The Ridgewood Burger Rankings
At long last...
I apologize for the lapse in posting. It’s truly unlike me, and I realized I need to get a move on with putting this out into the world. Since I’ve started this quest, some restaurants have closed while others have opened, shifting the power dynamics in a way that some may find disturbing. I strongly recommend any burger above the 6th position on this list. Disclaimers: prices may vary, experiences may vary, not every burger has a photo (and apologies for the photos that suck).
11. ECB
I don’t even want to talk about how disappointing this burger was. Overdone, overpriced, and the presentation was completely inconsistent with the menu’s description.
10. Delight Diner
Let me preface this by saying that I love this diner. Their baked goods are delicious and everything besides the burger is great. But the one time I got the burger, it was so horrendously bad that I can never get it again. Like any respectable diner burger, the toppings are a fully DIY situation — they provide a bunch of lettuce, tomato slices, and pickles, and it’s up to you to figure out where they should go. That was appreciated. However, despite requesting it “medium,” it came to me very, very well done. The underseasoned gray meat was unappetizing and crumbly, but props to them for toasting the buns well, I guess.
9. Energy Fuel
A healthy fast food chain in the outer boroughs, Energy Fuel was mostly known to me as the place that serves curative juices with appetizing names like “Asthma” and “Headache.” While getting my usual, the “Iron Horse” (beets, broccoli, carrot and apple), I realized they offer burgers, which I had no choice but to order. It was…alright.
The brioche was dry but sweet (the burger comes with no condiments by default, and I don’t even think they offer it, but mayonnaise would certainly have been appreciated here), the low-fat patty itself almost tasted steamed and had no Maillard reaction going on, but it was still surprisingly edible. The addition of raw red onion and lettuce helped, but a major ding for one of the most disturbing burger party fouls of all time: CUCUMBER (not pickled, just raw peeled cucumber chunks) as a default topping. Why? Did they think an unseasoned lean beef patty was so overwhelmingly flavorful that it needed a sliver of what is essentially crunchy water on top?
8. Tasty’s
Another classic Ridgewood diner, my friend described the burger at Tasty’s as “workmanlike,” which I find appropriate. For some reason, the bun is identical to the brownish mushy buns I would get in NYC public school lunches growing up. This is a neutral observation, sometimes you crave the mush. The flavor profile is also similar to a smoky Burger King burger — sure, why not? Not my favorite, but if you’re craving a burger while your dining companions want waffles, it gets the job done.
7. Bosna Express/Halalify
This is a decent burger, but before saying anything I need to emphasize the great value: for $7.99 + tax, you get a burger, (delicious) seasoned fries, and a can of soda. This is a Bosnian restaurant, and they apparently offer both a Bosnian burger and an American burger. For the sake of fairness in this ranking I selected the American burger, although I’m sure the Bosnian burger would be delicious too. The burger is a thin halal patty on a seeded bun. It’s not visible in the picture, but the bun is grilled, with very attractive grill marks. The lettuce is a little unmanageable, but it’s appreciated nonetheless. I love burgers from halal places — they’re consistent, have high-quality meat, are cheaper than regular fast food places, and always have decently fresh vegetables on them. My review of Halalify (a halal joint on Fresh Pond) would be near-identical, so I’ve grouped them together here for your convenience.
6. Rolo’s
Controversial: both the restaurant itself and my low(-ish) placement of the fan-favorite burger. All the components of this burger are solid: squishy bun, two thinner (not smashed) patties, truly caramelized onions,1 cheddar cheese (okay, as a reminder, I do prefer American cheese on a burger), and a fun little twist — Dijonnaise. The piquancy of the sauce somewhat balances the heaviness of this burger, but this is still quite the grease bomb. Consequently, it’s just too soft. The soft milk bun is only lightly toasted, so no matter what, you end up needing utensils towards the end of your meal. There are no vegetables on the burger (although the pickled pepper on the side is appreciated), so there’s no crunch — I’d love pickled onions or some kind of green on this, for example. It would have really helped break up the squishy greasiness of this burger.
Fries: potato wedges are offered here for $8. Ouch! They are delicious albeit inconsistent — larger wedges will be mealy on the inside while smaller wedges will be nearly burnt, plus you can get them “war style” (with mayonnaise, onions, and spicy peanut sauce) for a few extra bucks. I’d be surprised if you had room for any fries alongside that enormous burger, so tread carefully…
5. Burger City
The meat is definitely not the star of the show here, and yet this burger is still unforgettable. My goodness, look at that crisped cheese. So delicious. The meat is okay, perhaps one step above Wendy’s. It could definitely use some browning to add some flavor and substantial texture to the meal. The lack of textural variation would irk me, but we still get some good contrast from the squishy bun both via the cheese and the sassy presence of diced onions and pickles. Points for value here as well, as this is truly a fast food joint with fast food prices.
Bonus points: their special sauce (called “city sauce” here) gets points in my book for not just being a typical Thousand Island dressing rip-off. It’s still basically the same orange mayo-based formula, chunks of relish and all, but it’s smoky and a little mustard-y, likely from the addition of barbecue sauce and mustard. You need to ask to get it added to your burger, but it’s worth it.
They also seriously have the best onion rings I’ve ever eaten in my life. The rings have a thick, crispy, well-seasoned batter, providing some much-needed structural integrity to a side dish that often falls apart upon the first bite. This is good because their fries are mediocre (you’d assume a place that is ripping off the branding at Five Guys would do better) frozen crap that tastes like oil, although they have the exhilarating option of sweet potato and regular potato tots (both great, of course, but be forewarned: the sweet potato tots come with a frankly inappropriate dusting of cinnamon on top).
4. The Seneca - Classic Burger
I’ve had the Seneca burger numerous times, and it truly is an experience unlike any other. They’re really not kidding about how smashed the smash burger is: the beef is paper-thin and the American cheese perfectly melts into the nooks and crannies. The sweet caramelized onions are great, the comeback sauce is basically the same “special sauce” on every burger, and the housemade pickles are relatively mild, which lets the burger speak for itself.
Note: the Seneca now has two burger offerings, the Seneca Burger (which is the one I’ve reviewed and had many times), as well as the Classic Burger. I’m actually inclined to say that you should go with the latter, which only has mayo and ketchup instead of comeback sauce. This is because the Classic Burger has shredded lettuce, tomato and raw onion, which will always be my preferred burger additions. The Seneca Burger only has caramelized onion, special sauce and pickles.
3. Club Club Burger (inside TV Eye)
Presumably2 run by the folks that run the Club Club Sandwich kiosk at McCarren Park, this place is a little kiosk at TV Eye. The order process is new and confusing if you’re familiar with past pop-ups here: you order inside, in the weird hallway where bands usually sell merch, and then pick up your food either inside or in the lovely backyard. Let me tell you: even if you are in the malodorous company of crust punks in the smoking patio the entire time, you will not regret what may be a long wait, depending on the time of day.
For the Martin’s haters among the bunch (reminder that Martin’s is owned by individuals with contemptible beliefs), they use Schmidt potato rolls. I made the mistake of ordering a double, assuming the patties would be thin and underwhelming. Instead they’re thick and juicy, with a flavor I can only describe as undeniably beefy. Torn lettuce, raw onions, pickles, and a special sauce on the sweeter side make for classic accompaniments.
2. Bonus Room
Now this is controversial. My partner describes this burger as “crappy,” like something you’d get at a bowling alley, with pre-formed patties. And it’s true, they use pre-formed (albeit fancy pre-formed) patties from Pat LaFrieda.3 But the basement kitchen at this divey spot right on the Bushwick border works its magic on those patties, just teetering on over-salted, with a perfect sear and just a hint of pink left in the double patties. I love it, and the special sauce (heavy on the mustard) makes this burger stand out. Long-time fans also know I’m obsessed with shredded lettuce and onion, and this burger had both. And this is not a fry ranking, but if it were, these golden-crisp boys would come out on top.
1. Velma
I’ll be honest. I hate the vibes here. It’s a bold move to try being a dive bar and red sauce joint at the same time, particularly in a neighborhood with an abundance of both of those. It’s even bolder to charge the prices they do for a cocktail or mediocre bowl of pasta. However, the pizza (pricey) and burger (surprisingly relatively affordable at $14 with fries the times I went) are both excellent here.
Let’s talk about the burger. Upon the first bite, the first thing I notice about the burger is the impressive sear on the beef. Served at a non-negotiable doneness of medium, the thick quarter-pound patty has a smoky flavor, similar to a very elevated Whopper™. The fluffy bun is well-toasted, but it still disintegrated under the sheer greasitude of the beef, American (yes!) cheese, and special sauce. I give them points for using shredded lettuce and raw onion, as the presence of vegetables is always appreciated for textural variety. The menu lists the fries as “shoestring,” for some reason, although they’re more of a steak fry thickness. They seem a little pale in this image, and they are, but they’ve still got a formidable crunch to them. They’re also quite salty.
In spite of the stiff competition, this has to be my favorite pub-style burger. The variation in textures, from squishy bun to well-seared beef to crunchy shredded lettuce sets it apart. While I take issue with the general vibes of the place, I do appreciate the fact that they give you crayons to draw on your paper place mats as well.4
Extra Credit: MrBeast Burger
I do not like this man for irrational reasons, but I think it’s very funny that I can get “his” “food” delivered. This is advertised as “Smashed crispy beef patties with house seasoning, American cheese, pickles, diced onion, mayo, ketchup, and brown mustard on a toasted bun.” It’s not quite a smashed burger — the patties are very thick, akin to a McDonald’s Quarter Pounder. I am kind of impressed by how browned and genuinely crispy the beef is, but unlike Velma’s burger, it truly is a bit burnt. The other thing that pleases me is the sauce combination. It’s very unusual to see mustard on a burger (although this was not brown mustard as promised, and was more like the neon French’s mustard), and I appreciated the classic condiments. Two patties (the default) seemed a bit excessive at this thickness, though, and I wished the squishy bun was a little bit more toasted to stand up to this. Furthermore, while I appreciated the diced onion and pickles, not enough was going on to distract from the char. Maybe next time I should order the “Chris Style,” topped with bacon and fries. But honestly, I wouldn’t order this again, not because it was merely “above average,” but because you can’t get takeout from the ghost kitchen. There’s something far too naughty about getting a burger delivered from a place less than half a mile away.
Note: I know there’s some kind of legal drama between MrBeast and this burger place, I think due to the lack of quality control/consistency. However, I am impressed with how my burger looked almost identical to the menu photos on the website, and that they were indeed accompanied by a delightfully classic crinkle-cut fry as promised. Despite operating out of an Atomic Wings, their burger is a totally different product (the Atomic Wings burger has a sesame seed bun, thinner patty, and so on).
95% of the time, when a menu item claims to have “caramelized onions,” they’re onions that were cooked for 5-10 minutes (see below). The Rolo’s onions are truly caramelized, a burnished jammy delight.
I only say “presumably” since Club Club barely mentions this burger kiosk anywhere on their website or their Instagram (which doesn’t even follow the TV Eye kiosk account, etc.). The branding is identical and the menu items are very similar.
Let it be said that I’m sure half the restaurants on this list, possibly more, do the same thing.
Don’t tell me that the crayons are for children — this is a restaurant whose restrooms are tackily wallpapered with Playboy covers. Nothing should be for children here.