The Bushwick Burger Rankings
What we've all been waiting for...
Disclaimer: I haven’t double-checked the prices since I started writing this - expect everything to cost a few dollars more in Eric Adams’ NYC. Also, to absolutely no one’s surprise, I was told by my doctor that I need to watch my saturated fat intake. Consequently, I haven’t applied my usual sense of scientific rigor, and my sample size is not as large as I would’ve liked.
Without further ado…
Mika - Wagyu Burger
The burger is typically served on a brioche bun as per the menu, but for whatever reason, mine was served on a hard roll (akin to a Kaiser roll). As a beef enthusiast (as opposed to a beef expert), I have no way of telling if the meat was truly Wagyu. I will say this: if it was, they are not doing the high-quality meat any favors. The meat was gray, and combined with the dry roll and all-around cursed vibes (I was here for two hours and they played this song on repeat the entire time), this was quite an unpleasant dining experience. The fries were decent, albeit salty. I am willing to accept that I had the burger on an off day, but I have heard unpleasant rumors about the owners and don’t think it’s worth another try.
Tabaré - Tabaré Burger
There’s just too much going on here, yet somehow the enormous brioche bun mutes everything and drowns out the meat-on-meat action of a bacon cheeseburger. Somehow the most identifiable flavors are the bun and tomato. There are a lot of amazing menu options here (and a really generous happy hour), so you’re likely better off getting literally anything else from the menu.
These fries are so good, though, and Tabaré is responsible enough to serve the correct condiment (mayonnaise) alongside them. They’re very classic European-style - on the thicker side and browned well on the outside.
Blue Collar Burger - Cheeseburger
The closest this neighborhood has to a Shake Shack style burger, it’s nothing special. A potato bun, hefty “brisket blend” patty, raw onions, tomato, lettuce and special sauce. The thick-cut onions are greatly appreciated (not enough burger joints confidently put raw onion on their burger), but everything else is a little inconsistent. Some days the patty is perfectly cooked, crisp on the outside and slightly pink on the inside. Other days, the patty is wan and rubbery. I’m not a gambling person, although a $8.50 risk is not the worst.
On an important note, they do offer fantastic milkshakes, which may make the risk worth it.
Fries: $5 à la carte and acceptable. They’re not crinkle-cut, which would’ve worked well here, given the Shake Shack-esque nature of the other menu items. Instead they’re your typical straight, almost-certainly-frozen, slightly thicker fry that’s prone to getting soggy. I favor the tots or onion rings, which provide a more reliable crunch. Get the cheese sauce if you must.
Farm to People - Sumac Smashed Burger
Unsurprisingly pricey, given Farm to People’s emphasis on locally sourced ingredients, this $16 Sumac Smashed Burger came with no sides (although the fries are, unfortunately, worth the $7 price tag à la carte). For a smash burger, the single patty was thicker than expected, which was good as a thinner patty wouldn’t have stood up to the substantial bun. The crust on the patty was phenomenal, as were the toppings - in addition to the requisite house-made pickles, sumac pickled onions and a herby celery dijonnaise provide a bright contrast to the expected heaviness of a burger. While I was concerned that the pretentious toppings might distract from it all, it was a harmonious combination that wasn’t too “out there” at all.
Consistency may be a bit of an issue - my dining partner’s burger was cold, although this could be a kink that will be worked out (although they’ve been offering grocery delivery for a while, Farm to People’s kitchen offerings are fairly new). The other big issue was that the patty was a little on the overcooked side - given the very high quality meat, I would have loved a choice in doneness.
Fries: as mentioned above, they’re $7 à la carte and very worth it. Skin-on, thinly cut and very well salted, they were like a fancy take on McDonald’s fries - the golden standard (pun intended), as far as I’m concerned. The serving is very generous (visible in the background of my picture, served in a quart-sized paper produce container), and is definitely enough for two.
Note: Farm to People does not offer cheese with their burger. I respect this, because “nice” cheeses often do not work well with a burger. A burger needs the supernatural melting qualities of American cheese and its emulsifiers.
Foster Sundry - Nice Guy Burger
This burger was initially significantly lower on my rankings. Their initial offering was wet, salty, and all around a disservice to what must be very high-quality meat given that it’s from a place with an in-house butcher and “Sundry” in its name. They’ve pivoted quite a bit, with their burger now a little more “unorthodox,” a riff on the Oklahoma Onion Burger. Essentially, this just means it’s a regular cheeseburger but thinly sliced onions are embedded into the beef patties themselves prior to griddling, meaning that the patty has specks of almost-burnt (this is good!) onion alongside the browned beef.
This burger is great. They’re sparse with the toppings, opting for a deliciously sharp cheddar, housemade dill pickles, and the ubiquitous special sauce. Foster really has a unique special sauce, with pimiento augmenting the typical flavor profile of the orange goop. This combination stands up well to the seeded brioche - a brioche bun, with its heft, can often make or break a burger (scroll a few entries down to Tabaré). The lack of fresh vegetables means this burger is still a little on the salty side. Treat yourself to a nice bottle of mineral water on the side. No fries here.
BrookLAN - Classic Burger
Look, I’m not pleased that a Esports venue is number three on my burger ranking. I remember seeing this place under construction for months, confused by our brave new world where gamers no longer had to lurk in shadowy basements. If I’ll be honest, I still don’t like the actual experience of being in there, but I’ll brave it for what I can confidently call the best burger and fries I’ve had in Bushwick. The burger alone is above average, but the combination of the smash burger and skin-on, perfectly browned fries is transcendent.
Everything is so simple (the burger is identical to my description of the Pop’s Burger below, but with a thinner patty - no pink center here), but executed so well. If you met an alien or feral child and had to immediately acquaint them with American culture, this is where you need to go. Just look at the grease that dripped off my burger. I rest my case.
Caraotas - Cheeseburger
This is a great option for those among us who don't prefer a thin smashed patty. Served on a good-sized brioche bun (substantial but not too big - this is crucial), this burger is thick and cooked to your preferred doneness. The 6 ounce patty, while seemingly preformed, is a tasty Pat LaFrieda brisket blend. The special sauce is tangy, the onions are perfectly thin-cut, lettuce and tomato are fresh, and they use American cheese - if I had to complain, it would be about the lack of pickles. The bun was also untoasted. I’m neutral on the bun toasting issue, but it would have provided some additional structural integrity for a very messy meal.
While I won’t knock them for this (this is a burger ranking, after all, and not a fry ranking), I’m not a fan of these fries. These are battered and seasoned fries, the kind that’s cooked from frozen. Some people are really into this kind of thing, and they are wrong. The fries offer a great crunch, but no potato flavor. Save your precious stomach space for a parchita (passionfruit juice) or tequeño instead.
Note: for those of us that prefer a burger with tons of toppings, they do offer a Latin American style burger with an egg, bacon and potato sticks on top. I had this at another time and enjoyed it, but am a purist that opts for the regular cheeseburger whenever it’s available. For the gluten-sensitive, you can also get a burger on an arepa. I’ve never done it, but it sounds amazing. I’ve also never tried their enormous Black Tap-style milkshakes. I am a master of restraint.
Strange Flavor Burger Shack - Pop’s Burger
This is one of many similar burgers you’ll see on this list - squishy potato bun, smashed patties, special sauce, pickles, tomatoes and onions. It is easily the best of all of those burgers, due to a few factors. The doneness is always perfect - a touch of pink on the inside but nothing repellent. The lettuce (iceberg haters look elsewhere) is shredded and crisp. The bun (which seems to be Martin’s, unfortunately), is always toasted. Two patties seem like they’d be too much, but it’s the perfect quantity.
The one inconsistency is temperature. Many places have this issue and I’m not picky about it, but Strange Flavor’s issues are egregious. Sometimes my fries will be screaming hot, while the burger will arrive ice cold. I almost always eat in when I’m here, so it’s not some odd delivery issue. I’m fully willing to look past this, but it is puzzling.
The fries are unlike anything else, which is a good and bad thing. The thicker fries ($5) are crisp enough, although there are always a few soggy ones in the mix. They’re dusted with a five-spice seasoning, which is a nice change of pace but can be a little salty. The animal fries ($9) are what you should go for, though - topped with caramelized onions, more of that special sauce, kimchi queso and scallions. While it can be a bit of a risk (the fries can go limp under the weight of all the toppings), it’s incredible when hot and fresh.
Honorable Mentions
The Seneca - The Seneca Burger
This is only an honorable mention because it is not technically in Bushwick, but across the border in Ridgewood. Otherwise, it would definitely usurp BrookLAN for “best burger and fries.” The burger is truly unique in just how thinly smashed it is, and the picture below does not do justice to the crisp, lacy edges of the patties. The Seneca is smart to keep everything else simple, with fried onions, comeback sauce, and delicious housemade pickles as the only accoutrements. And look at those fries!
Grilled! - Double Cheeseburger
Not considered for the general listings due to its vegan nature, dentist-owned vegan food stall Grilled! makes a formidable burger. The lightly-charred patty, amount of toppings, and oozy vegan cheese cover up the multivitamin flavor I get from the typical Beyond burger patty, and they’re generous with the special sauce. The overall effect is somewhat reminiscent of a Burger King burger. I know that can be a little polarizing, but personally I’m a fan. The prices are cheap for vegan fare, although keep in mind this is not really a sit down place.
I only wish their fries were better - dusted in an oddly-sweet spice blend, they’re almost always slightly limp. That said, the peppery vegan cauliflower “wings” are a great side and may make you feel slightly better about all the processed soy you’re inhaling.
I love burgers!